Sunday, February 14, 2021

Reflections on Heartbreak

 Originally posted on FB...

In May of 2019 we walked the land and went to the river. Jacob’s young cousin came with us. This is the terrain where we fled from fire four months ago. The rocks, the sagebrush, the steep gullies, the fence we crawled under - in the dark, guided only by the light of our headlamps. Thank God we had done this treck before, thank God we knew the way to the river. Jacob had walked it once before long ago, and then we walked it together about a year before the fire as you can see in these pictures. Uri was so content. That boy was always with us. He came on all our adventures with us. 


When we were lost out there, waiting to be rescued, Jacob’s cousin insisted that he knew where we would be. Because he had been there with us, because he knew where we would go. And he was right, entirely right. Except that went a little further this time because we were hoping we could walk to the dam... but it was further away than it looked and we didn’t make it anywhere near there.


We knew Uri was fading and that is what drove us to keep going in a desperate attempt to get to the dam, to a hospital, to someone who could help our son. Well beyond the point of exhaustion, we kept going. Every time we collapsed, we got back up and kept going. If only, if only... but in the end when we saw he was truly slipping away and the terrain blocked us from going any further... we collapsed and cuddled him close for his final breaths. 


We’re back home now, and the house is so quiet without him. Our boy has been gone for four months now. I can hardly believe it. Here I am, a mama with empty arms, discovering what it means for a broken heart to run its course. A process of grief that will never end this side of heaven, yet will not always consume me as it does now. Looking back at the day we walked to the river in daylight, I see that Jacob was wearing his shirt that says, “We were made for such a time as this.” Such keen words! There is such turmoil in the world today. Disasters, covid, riots, politics, loss of jobs, fear... such turmoil. 2020 effected everyone differently, some have been affected more and others less. And yet somehow, in the midst of both personal and corporate troubles... we were made for such a time as this. We are not alone. God has not abandoned us. We bless His name, we seek His comfort and help. It is an encouragement to remember... we were each created by God to face the times we’re living in. Just as those born in the past were made for the times they lived in. We each take our place in the tapestry of history. Every generation has known hardship, some more and some less, but we are not unique in our troubles. Indeed many generations have endured far worse.


For my part I can see myself objectively and I know that many mothers have suffered as I, or far worse. That does not devaluate my misery, but it does give me some perspective. I must cry. I must weep, wail, scream, look at his clothes and toys and fall to my knees and moan in agony. I must. There is no other way. The need to grieve is imbedded in my very humanity. I feel it in my core and I see it throughout history. There are no shortcuts. The joy that comes in the morning must be preceded by the grief that endures for the night, and I am yet walking through my night.


And in this night I traverse, I do not fail to see my many blessings as well. My greatest blessing, first and foremost, surpassed by nothing but God alone, is my husband. Friend, ally, and lover. I am a cherished wife who holds her husband in the highest regard. What better blessing can there be than that? We walk this road together. And surrounding us is our family, who loves us so fiercely and has sacrificed so much to take care of us. And then our circle of friends and our circle of church community and the greater circle of people all over the world who have reached out to bless, pray, and support us. Truly blessed. And beyond all else, a God who walks closely with us and upholds us in our grief and frustration. A God who sees far further than we can imagine, who is already choreographing great things for the days ahead. And with that, I will conclude this post.




Uriel Always Loved. Always Remembered. 


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