Leah, Ocean, Surrogacy

This picture is myself and our gestational carrier, Leah, a few minutes after the embryo transfer. Baby was too small to see in the ultrasound that day, but the white line right in the middle is the saline solution where Ocean was hanging out. Watching the embryologist suck the embryo into the syringe and hand it to the doctor to squirt into the uterine lining, was very similar to the three previous times I'd seen this done. Though that moment was similar, of course the results have been very different!

We are so thankful for Leah's generosity to do this for us, and for the generous support and blessings from her husband, her children, her parents, her sisters, her in-laws, etc, to the whole team that is such a support for her as she carries our baby.

Sometimes I feel keen sadness that I'm not the one pregnant, but such feelings have become rare. I feel that I have grieved well the loss of my womb. While it may be an ongoing grief on this side of heaven or this side of a miracle, I believe the bulk of my grieving on that point has been accomplished. And after all the other loss I've gone through, I'm still in awe to truly have a baby on the way. I'm honestly just flooded with relief at this point.

When I carried Uri in my womb, when I co-labored with him through birth, I learned how sacred pregnancy truly is. I know what I'm missing out on with Ocean. 

But more than anything else, I'm just so glad that Ocean is plugged in and gestating safely. Even though it's not my heartbeat and my voice that baby is hearing throughout the day, even though I'm not the one who will feel all the kicks and rolls over the months, I'm just so glad Ocean lives and grows and will come home to my arms as soon as possible. I'm so glad that I will have a little one to put to my breast, a little one to love and raise and homeschool and everything.

I am blessed. I am thankful.