Household Duties and Habits of Effective People

There are a lot of different ways to teach children to clean, and a lot of different philosophies on the atmosphere in which a child's participation in household duties should be addressed. However, exploring that overarching topic is beyond the scope of this post. I do think a careful analysis of different strategies and philosophies is both interesting and practical, and as such is an ongoing area of casual study for me. But just for this post, I'm going to share the strategies I have used as a nanny with children aged 5 - 13.

I nanny for more than one family. This family in particular, I've been with for a long time. When the 5-year-old was just under 2 years old, I taught her how to sweep up a pile of dirt. She was interested and wanted to be involved. She learned good attention-to-detail as we swept and re-swept until we got every last bit of dirt from the pile. I was pregnant with Uri at the time, so kneeling down to sweep up the dirt pile was hard for me. Of course I knelt down to demonstrate and supervise as she was learning, but once she got good at it I didn't have to anymore. It was such a relief! I could sweep the floor easily enough, then this helpful toddler would do the last step and save me the discomfort of lugging my heavy pregnant belly up and down to finish the job. 😊 I don't think I ever taught this particular task to Uri, though he definitely  helped me with a lot of other tasks.

Now, this picture demonstrates how I taught the kids to sweep the whole floor. (For the 5-year-old and 8-year-old. The older two already knew how). I used a washable marker to draw "lanes", and taught them to sweep lane by lane for their designated portion of the floor. At first, I drew the line all the way across the floor. Then, gradually, I just drew a few inches of the lane as pictured above, and instructed the children to visualize the rest. Then eventually to visualize the whole thing with no lines. This proved to be a very effective strategy for helping them to understand the concept of how to get the whole surface area they were supposed to sweep. And, of course, I tried the marker on a small area first to make sure it would truly wash off as advertised. Don't forget that if you try this! ;)

Now then, about quality control. Some parents or caregivers choose to turn a blind eye to quality control. I feel like that can be an effective strategy, especially if it is a task the child completes regularly. Sometimes just allowing the skill and quality to come over time takes the pressure off and yet eventually yields great results, I hear. Pick your strategy. I did choose to hold a standard of quality control, since these kids are usually earning a reward by doing the chore. I feel like "just because you're part of the family" chores and "earning a reward" chores can be distinct or they can be blurred, but as a nanny I generally handle "earning a reward" chores. As a mother I never really got far enough to see how I would choose to address that distinction, since that doesn't really apply to toddlers. But anyway. I would sweep after the children to "check" their work. If they had left behind a very small amount of dirt and fur, cool, no problem. But if they'd left a significant amount behind, they had to do another small chore (usually matching 10 socks from the laundry) before they could have their reward. To make sure I was being fair and objective, I did a normal sweep and then "checked" my own work, to see how much I generally miss. That is the top picture. It wouldn't be fair for me to hold them to a higher standard than I hold myself, so that's where I drew the line. And with the picture printed out and pinned up, they could see how much of a pile I swept after them and make the objective call themselves if they had to go match 10 socks or if they were in the clear.

There could be a variety of rewards. Whether that means extra allowance, candy, screen time, or what-have-you. It's all about what works for each family. There are always parenting decisions to be made, and of course as a nanny I take my cues from the parents. But in any case, some rewards are "worth more" to children than other rewards, so the chore assigned should be fair for the worth of the reward. A "big chore" should get a more valuable reward than a "small chore". So I also pinned up a general ranking of what chores fell into each category... with some overlap of "medium chores", depending on how dirty or cluttery an area was. Then, also, some of the listed chores had a list of sub-chores, what tasks needed to be completed for that chore to be considered done.

Here are a couple examples of the "sub-chores" to a larger chore. I feel it's very important to have clear communication in all areas of life, and to clearly communicate expectations to other people. Children are people, and their minds work as adult minds works. It gives them a sense of security to know what their options are, to know what is required of them as part of the household, and/or what is required of them in order to earn a reward. Then, they can decide if they're willing to put forth the effort for the reward, or if they're going to go find something else to spend their time doing with self-directed play/reading/activity/whatever. It's very appropriate for a child to be able to make those kinds of decisions, and to be able to "count the cost" if they want to earn their reward. Also, it is right to allow children to voice their opinions and perspective. If I labeled something a "medium chore" that a child felt was really a "big chore", I would always hear them out and seek to understand why they felt it was a big chore. It's important to be fair, to treat people with dignity and respect, and to take their concerns under consideration. Sometimes I would agree and let the chore be classified as a "big chore". Sometimes I would disagree and hold my ground that it was only a "medium chore", but either way I listened closely and cared to hear their thoughts and respect them as the intelligent and valuable people that they are. One of my favorite books on communication and relating to people is "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. My dad first recommended this book to me as a teenager, and it had a powerful influence on my formative years. I've recently rediscovered it, and the refresher has been very good. I feel like the principles it teaches are applicable to any relationship. A parent and a child, a nanny and a child, a husband and a wife, siblings, cousins, an employer and an employee, a coordinator and a volunteer, friends, coworkers, etc. etc. I started this post addressing that there are many different philosophies in regards to the atmosphere of a child's household duties. Let me end this post on a much larger note, that regardless of what philosophy you choose for your household, the principles in this book apply to all human relationships you will ever have. I highly recommend reading it.

Blessings!

Garden Summer 2022

Here are pictures of Uri's Garden last summer in its prime:

We have tried to grow corn three years in a row, and failed every time. This year was the closest we got to success, though! The corn was coming along nicely until some critter got into it... a racoon, I think.

California Poppies are one of my favorite plants. Such bright and lovely little faces to brighten my yard! I had a nice crop of them which I enjoyed for some time, but in the end I pulled them out as they started to fade. They were kind of getting in the way of my morning glories anyway, so they had to go.

I absolutely love morning glories. They are my #1 favorite plant, and not just because of the flowers, but very much because of the vines as well. I love vines. I love how they always reach forward. They always reach up. No matter what, they keep reaching. Even if there's nothing there to grab, they will still throw their tendrils up into the sky and reach around in all directions until they find something to grab onto. Further up and further in! I feel like the Lord calls the garden of my heart to imitate the morning glories. For all of creation declares the glory of God, and just as the morning glories are always reaching up, so I too should always be reaching forward. Reaching, growing, traveling, and putting forth a sweet aroma unto the Lord.

Jacob acquired a manual lawnmower, as our grass was getting pretty tall.

Wildflower mix. 

Sugar Snap Peas, Nasturtium, etc.

Roses, nasturtium, lemon verbena, etc.

And my morning glory flowers! They bloom in the morning, as their name implies, and fade by the evening. It was always so pleasant to see them as I headed to work each morning at 6:00am, until the days grew shorter and it became too dark for them to have bloomed yet. And they also eventually switched their energy from making flowers to making seed packets. But in their prime, there was one morning where I counted 50 flowers. It was marvelous! Morning glories are... well, they are one of my joys of life. They are one of the ways the Lord romances and comforts my soul. Morning glories declare the glory of God, singing a song in a language my heart hears and knows and sings along with. They are a gift.

Garden Spring 2022

They say there are different stages of grief. They argue about what those stages are. I'm of the school of thought that says the stages are all over the map and different for anyone. In my own experience, I'll tell you, there is never less grief. It's all just a matter of whether or not I can put it on the back burner, and how much effort that takes. I will say, that was very difficult to do when I was only three months out from the fire. The grief of my loss so fresh, and the debilitating physical injuries so fresh too. There were times when I just sat still in bed and cried. Well, for 10 minutes at a time, that is. After 10 minutes I had to get up and do a bunch of stretches, because in that 10 minutes of stillness all my skin grafts had shrunk and tightened. It felt like I was suddenly wearing clothes that were way too tight, holding me back from extending my limbs all the way. Only it wasn't a tight pair of clothing, it was my skin itself. So, I would have to pick myself up from my broken-hearted-mama misery and focus on being a good burn-survivor-patient doing all the stretches to make sure I didn't end up permanently wearing too-tight-skin. To sleep at night, I had to wear splints that kept me in a stretched position.

At any rate, when the grief was so fresh, I feel like it was appropriate to sit and weep for hours at a time on a regular basis. Not everyone thought so. There were times people scolded me for it. It was frustrating, but thankfully I've become well established in the fear of the Lord over the years. "The fear of the Lord" does not mean being afraid of God, it means having an awe, respect, and reverence for Him. It means caring what He thinks more than what people think... as opposed to "the fear of man", in which one cares what people think more than what God thinks. So, I rested secure in a knowledge that God approved of the state of my existence. God approved of me sitting in bed weeping. That was exactly what I needed to be doing at that time, in the Winter of 2020/2021, and maybe even into the Spring of 2021 somewhat. 

I don't remember exactly when the shift happened... It may have been Spring 2021, or maybe Summer 2021. I don't know. I just know that the time came when I needed something to do. A hobby, some sort of therapy, something to up and do. I was just starting to do a little bit of nannying again, maybe, once a week. But the other days of the week it was so hard to get out of bed. Grief, physical pain, what-have-you. But I knew it was time. Just as the fear of the Lord kept me sitting in bed weeping, it also got me up out of bed and seeking activity, too, each in their season. 

First I tried riding horses. I used to love riding when I was a teenager. Bareback, floating, in sync with the rhythm of the horse's trotting motion. Or flying at the gallop, as if soaring in heaven itself. It was marvelous. But that was when I was a kid. I did not enjoy it as a 27-year-old woman, especially with a compromised physical body. So I canceled my riding lessons very quickly. 

I turned instead to cultivating Uri's garden. Through the summer, the fall, all the way until it got too cold and wet to be outside. Then I spent the winter planning up what I would do in Spring 2022. I researched which flowers attract pollinators and repel pests, what vegetables I should plant next to each other, and so on. I started seedlings indoors in like February. in March, I got cinder block and good garden soil for raised beds. I had a surgery coming up in April and a lot of garden work to get done before being laid up. Jacob and I worked together for weeks. Sometimes even in the rain. 

 Here are the pictures of what we did early that Spring:

We took the fencing down temporarily so we could carry everything in.

Cinder blocks and good garden soil.

This teepee lattice had been a Fall 2021 project. I built it with sticks from around the yard and brown zip-ties. Then Jacob helped me do some stonemasonry with rocks from around the yard. The grass came from revived sod a neighbor had given me, as well as grass seed I planted to supplement. I tried to plant morning glories to grow up the lattice, but the chickens destroyed them as seedlings. Plus, it was kind of late to be planting them in the fall anyway. So I gave up for the winter. But in the Spring, oh, well in the Spring I was going to expand the fencing of the garden to include the whole corner of the yard, pretty much doubling the size of the garden. And that way the chickens wouldn't be able to get in and dig up my plants!

I dug a shallow pond and put a liner in it. My goal was to attract frogs to the garden, so the frogs would eat bugs. Compliments of all the garden research I was doing during the winter. 

Wheelbarrowing the dirt into all the garden beds, both cinder block and plastic.

This image shows the expansion to the garden. The original garden is to the right, mostly out of the picture. The expanded part has the plastic garden bed, the pond, the teepee, and some open space for grass also. This picture was taken before I put the fence back up.

So, we worked hard to get all those projects done, and then I got all the seeds planted the day before my April surgery. And the fences up, so the chickens couldn't disturb the seeds or seedlings! It was really refreshing, spending time outside working on the garden. It was good to have something to invest in. Much better therapy than riding horses for me! At any rate, Uri's garden has just always been there. It was there before the grief. And no matter what stage of grief I am in at any given time, I am always thankful for my garden. Uri's garden. Our family garden. It is a blessings.

Let Me Stay Gentle

I'm rather fond of Pinterest. I like to share some of my favorite Pinterest finds here on my blog. This image echos a prayer that has long been in my heart. On more than one occasion I have printed this one out and put it up in my house, over the years. It's so easy to become hard in this cruel world. It's easy to make inner vows, easy to let one's soul wither away inside, and easy to scorn people and circumstances and God when they don't fulfill one's expectations. And, I will say, humans are made in the image of God. And God is a God of justice. We are made in the image of justice, so when we suffer injustices it grates against the very core of our nature. We are not made for this. But that's why Christ went to the cross - because forgiveness isn't letting people "get away with it", it's releasing their transgressions to the payment Christ made on their behalf. So we can rest secure, knowing justice has been done. The sins against us have been paid for. Dwelling in forgiveness is key to staying gentle. 

Another key to staying gentle is dwelling in gratitude, for each of us have fallen short of the glory of God, each of us would be deserving of hell without the blood of the lamb to wash us clean. Sometimes life on earth can feel like hell, yes, but the wonderful thing to keep in mind is how temporary it is. We might deserve hell, but Christ paid the price, so now we are Royal Sons and Daughters. No longer deserving of wrath, but deserving of the Glory of Christ, not through our own efforts, but because we are now as blameless and pure as Christ Himself, by His grace and mercy unto us. So even in the moments when life may feel like hell, we have both the assurance that it is temporary, and also the reality that "feels like hell" is very different from "actual hell", because in actual hell, Christ is not there. Yet here in this life as believers, we are never alone. Christ is always with us. And that is indeed an encouraging thought. Another encouraging thought is that life comes in seasons, and some seasons are just better than other seasons, and that is worth looking forward to.

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong and take heart

    and wait for the Lord.

                            -Psalm 27:13-14

Yes and amen. A person who is hardened and bitter inside does not pray the prayer of Psalm 27. So ever my prayer remains, "Lord, let me stay gentle," and He is faithful to guide me along the path necessary for the answering of my prayer. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, hope must be cultivated, and it takes the grace (divine strength) of the Lord to stay gentle enough to do this cultivation inside. So as ever, my prayer remains: Lord, let me stay gentle. Amen.

Contentment Holds Eternal Keys

When I was a teen, I was powerfully impacted by a character in a book series. Captain Timothy Autarkeia from Dragons in Our Midst/Oracles of Fire. Faced with difficult circumstances, Captain Autarkeia spoke of a secret he'd learned. "Contentment holds eternal keys to days of peace which never end," he said.

Wow. That statement became a mantra in my life very quickly. I said it to myself over and over, soaking it in and savoring it.

Contentment holds eternal keys to days of peace which never end.

We all experience disappointments or sorrows in childhood, some more than others. I don't know how one quantifies these things, but I'd experienced enough to know that I lived in a very uncertain world with no guarantees. I knew the taste of insecurity, fear, anxiety, and dashed hopes. Don't we all? But then here came Captain Timothy Autarkeia, speaking of his faith in God and the power of contentment available to a believer, and in one paragraph my world was transformed. Little teenager Jamie was blown away by the security Christ offered, in such a practical and tangible way, as explained by a hero of literature. If anyone had reason to hate his life, Captain Autarkeia did. Yet, by the power of the living God, He was able to live in... contentment. He was able to have days of peace which would never end, regardless of whether his hopes were ever realized. I was so impressed, so enamored, so blessed to know that I am cared for by the same God. No matter the external circumstances, I could yield my inner heart to God and allow Him to create a place of contentment on the inside.

Now I am 29 years old. That epiphany I had was, oh, 12 years ago? I laugh at myself. Am I only 29 years old? Hardly more than a teenager, really. I've only been an adult for 11 years. What a short time. Can this truly be the case? Surely I am at least 80 years old. Surely I have wrinkles and a cane, white hair, and a weather-beaten brow. I have lived enough life. I look back on my teenage self, and surely that happened decades ago. Yet I am supposed to believe that I am only 29 years old? I do not understand the discrepancy between my soul and my birth certificate. I never will. And that's okay.

The lesson of Autarkeia may have captured me in a single paragraph, a single moment, but implementing it has always been an ongoing process. One must live a life of yieldedness to God, and one must understand that emotions are fickle things. Of course the grand idea is to be emotionally content, and that concept is what first captured me. I then learned that sometimes emotions need to be nailed to the cross, wrestled into captivity, disowned, screeched at, ignored, and generally held in submission to Christ with the understanding that they don't always dissolve in an instant. Sometimes the emotional substance of contentment must be contended for. The foundational substance that goes deeper than emotions is far less fickle. I can rely on that being there like, 100% of the time. The emotional substance of contentment is really important too, though. I don't mean to be dismissive. Emotions matter. Cultivating a healthy emotional environment in the inner place matters. And we can't do that in our own strength. 

Let me quote the scripture that Captain Autarkeia referenced:

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:11-13

I can do all things through him who gives me strength... It's about contentment. And the emotions are part of that.

Here are some other scriptures that I've found over the years. In my old Bible, I definitely had Philippians 4 and Habakkuk 3 written in the margins of each other:

Though the fig tree does not bud

    and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

    and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

    and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

- Habakkuk 3:17-18

There is a lot of emphasis on God being our provider - Jirah, the one who meets our needs. That is correct. That is who He is! Yet, what if our needs are not being met? (Physical needs, emotional needs, etc.) Well, first, we should make sure we are living our lives completely yielded to Him. Sometimes we sabotage His blessings on accident. But even when we are completely yielded... if our needs aren't being met... what then? This is a bitter pill to swallow, and human nature is quick to blame God. And it's okay to acknowledge that. God wants us to be very real, honest, and raw with our emotions to Him. But He also asks us to stand on a firm foundation beyond that. He asks us to rejoice in Him, to be content in Him, even if we are hungry. Even if God hasn't provided. That's a really tough ask, God. Is that what this yieldedness thing is all about? Is this what it means to be humble? What type of strength does it take to trust you even when you're not coming through for me? Have I surrendered my very sanity if I still choose to trust you when you're not delivering?

Surrendering oneself to God is a deeply significant thing. At the end of the day, though, having God is better than being alone. We all have that God-sized hole in our hearts... and at the end of the day, only God can fill that hole. So long as God provides HIMSELF to me, I can live with Him not providing other things. And Him providing Himself is the one and only guarantee. I can live with that. Even if all my hopes and dreams are dashed, still I will have God to fill the empty places of my heart, and He is the one thing I can't live without. So it is indeed well, that He is the one thing that is completely guaranteed. So I will accept whatever circumstances I must endure in this temporary time on earth, and I will accept complete surrender to God whether He "comes through" for me or not with the things I want and need on this earth. And the strength to accept this comes from Him, for I do not have such strength in myself. God resists the proud, but gives grace (divine strength) to the humble. So I will be humble. This is the path to life. This is the path to contentment - which holds eternal keys to days of peace which never end. 

Some more scriptures to take note of:

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. - John 10:10

I always find this verse highly encouraging! Despite the heavy message of Habakuk and Philippians, let us never forget that God's will for us is abundant life! And He is Jirah, He does provide. There are two sides to the coin, and we should never get so focused on one side that we forget the other. Let no one despise the "prosperity gospel" in its entirety, for God does desire prosperity and abundant life for His children. We do need to be on guard against false teaching, yes, and often those who preach the "prosperity gospel" ignore the other side of the coin and end up in some false doctrine, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. God likes abundant life, both on the inside and on the outside.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

We will have trouble in this world. Dang. There should be no surprise there, Jesus told us, straightforward and simple. He didn't pull any punches. He isn't causing us the trouble and the trouble isn't His will for us, but He wanted to give it to us straight. That's just the way it is. In this world we will have trouble. BUT! We should take heart, for He has overcome the world. There's that contentment again. Taking heart.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I'm probably beating a dead horse, but just in case anyone doesn't know, I will point out that this verse says in everything give thanks, not for everything give thanks. We're not giving thanks for bad things... we're finding good things we can still give thanks for even in the midst of trouble or bad things. I always think back to laying exposed in the cold after the fire, and I'm thankful to have skin covering my body, warm clothes, food, clean water, all the basics. I can dwell on what I don't have and my many sorrows... and I do, sometimes, because healthy grieving matters. My son matters. The babies I lost matter. My womb matters. There is much that I lost that I grieve for and that matters. I once heard a widow preach about how Eve was so focused on the one thing she couldn't have, that it ruined the garden for her. The widow compared her late husband to that, the one thing she couldn't have in her garden, and how she shouldn't focus on that. I see the metaphor she was trying to make, but honestly, I was kind of offended that she compared a dead loved one to the forbidden fruit in Eden. I know I took the metaphor somewhere she never meant for it to go, some things aren't meant to be taken to their logical conclusion, but that's still where I went with it. I'm not judging that widow or implying that she doesn't have healthy grieving habits, I'm just saying that the metaphor, taken wrong, would lead someone to shun their grief like a forbidden fruit. Perhaps that's why I'm emphasizing that focusing on grief matters. Two sides to every coin. If you have lost loved ones, or are going through some other pain in life, please grieve well and please grieve as often as you need to. But at the same time, don't neglect to dwell on the things you can be thankful for as well - for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. ;) I am thankful for my garden. My morning glory flowers and vines. I'm thankful for Jacob, for friends, for family. I am thankful for audiobooks, for good stories. I'm thankful for warm blankets and mugs of hot chocolate. I'm thankful for my car, for marco polo, for watercolor paints, quiltwork, and post offices. There's a lot to be thankful for, and that feeds into cultivating an environment of contentment, that feeds into bringing the emotions into line too. Sometimes my emotions baulk at the thought of being thankful, under the staggering weight of grief and loss, and that's okay. I can still be thankful even when my emotions aren't on board. And choosing thankfulness without emotion paves the way for the emotions to be more accepting the next time.

In conclusion, I want to share another book that has impacted me. Of course, Captain Timothy Autarkeia is the framework the Lord originally used to deliver this message to me, and He's driven it home with scriptures and His direct voice over the years. It has long been a soapbox for me: I can be content because of an internal reality, regardless of external circumstances. Recently, I listened to this audiobook, Holy Hygge. I was so impressed! The author preached my soapbox better than I could preach it myself. She hit all the relevant scriptures, I don't think she omitted any of my go-to verses. The book has, oh, maybe 7 chapters total; and one entire chapter is devoted entirely to the topic of contentment from a biblical standpoint. It was such a breath of fresh air. This whole book was, I highly recommend it.

Blessings.