In this post I would like to share a prayer request, along with part of my story and some of my thoughts on childhood and life.
Since the time I was a teenager, I have daydreamed about being a homeschool teacher. Childhood is a magical time, a time of play and discovery and fun. I love living education, where history is learned with true story books, costumes, etc; and science is learned with hands-on experiments. Oh, I spent so many pleasurable hours daydreaming about being a homeschool mom. I have planned out in my mind all the curriculum and resources to use, I have imagined so many field trips and creative projects. “For the Children's Sake” by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay is a book that grabbed my heart deeply, it was a launching pad for my vision to soar from. With the head start from this book, I dreamed not only about how I would educate, but also how I would parent. I researched, I gleaned wisdom from the mothers and fathers I admire in my church, I read scripture and prayed for wisdom. All children are individual human beings who make their own choices and live their own lives, and we must respect this... but there are ways to establish a place of stability, to impart the security of knowing their own value. And there are so many ways to let kids be kids. Tree houses, playing with sticks, making mud pies, hide-n-seek, snowball fights, exploring the forest, clue hunts, science projects, painting, play-dough, fort-building, cardboard fun, baking cookies, pillow fights... and so much more.
Jesus came so that we may have abundant life!
I married a man with the same vision as myself for parenthood and life. Jacob pursued my hand as a valiant knight courting a princess. He won my heart with his love for God, the way he always treats me with utmost honor, and his contagious laughter. We read “For the Children’s Sake” together and discussed what raising little ones looked like. I cried tears of joy that the Lord gave me this amazing man to be my counterpart in the shared task and joy of raising up our brood. Between five to seven children was our agreed on number.
We didn’t lose any time, eleven months after our wedding I gave birth to our son, Uriel. And he didn’t lose any time entering the world, arriving two weeks early and being born in less than two hours. The midwives didn’t even make it to our home in time and that baby boy was caught by his exuberant Daddy.
I nursed my little boy and daydreamed about future births. Oh, how I love to give birth! As he grew into a toddler, I often daydreamed about birthing his future siblings.
Even before we were married, Jacob and I both felt in our spirits the Lord’s promise to us of parenthood. We’ve received multiple prophetic words about children, about a fruitful and healthy womb, about a full quiver of arrows.
We had a setback last winter, a false pregnancy. They call it a blighted ovum, where the baby passes away very early on and yet the mother’s body continues to grow a placenta and everything, releasing all the pregnancy hormones and acting normal. I was 11 weeks in before my body switched gears and flushed out my uterus.
We grieved our child, the little one I named Violet, and we waited several months before conceiving again.
I was 14 weeks pregnant when we traveled to our land in Okanogan to drop off some supplies and have an overnight camping trip. We’d recently had our midwife appointment and heard our baby’s whooshing heartbeat on the Doppler, and I was looking forward to feeling kicks in the next few weeks.
Uriel was almost two years old. Our precious son. Happy, curious, smart, adventurous, affectionate, an all-around joy and ray of sunshine in our lives. He was thriving and we were enjoying parenthood tremendously. He was learning all the time, and I was also looking forward to starting all the homeschool projects that I’ve always dreamed of, once he got a little bit older.
We were looking forward to the birth of our next little one, and many more to follow.
This is the part of the story where tragedy struck. After the fire, along the shore of the Columbia, we lost our children. Uriel and the little one we would afterwards name River, for it was near the bank of a river where she went home to be with Jesus and her older siblings.
God is not the author of death, but of life. We live in a sinful and broken world, tragedy happens and God does not always supernaturally intervene. But He does always pick up the pieces and see His people through. He takes any situation, He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
This doesn’t mean He never intervenes, whether that be during a situation or afterwards. We believe He is the God of the impossible, the God of resurrection power, the God of the miraculous. And we shall see what He yet may do.
The tragedy didn’t stop with the loss of our children. On September 18, at the hospital, Jacob and I lost something very important to us. During an 11-hour surgery, we lost my womb. I had developed a deadly infection out in the wilderness, and the gynecologist team tried so hard to save my womb. A D&C, a slew of antibiotics, and they were cautiously optimistic it would eradicate the infection. They communicated all this to me, and I wasn’t worried about it. They let me know they needed to double check during my next surgery, and I agreed. What they found was horrible. There was a puncture in my uterus containing a bubble of infection, ready to burst both into my uterus and also out into all my other organs... if that happened, it would have basically been a death sentence for me. Trying to save my womb would almost certainly have popped the bubble, and just leaving it alone would have resulted in it almost certainly popping on its own within a few days. My life was on the line. So they performed an emergency hysterectomy. The gynecologist team knew how important my uterus was to me, the head of the team was in tears as she made the decision. Half the team was in tears. They contacted my family before doing it, and I had signed a consent form with a contingency plan allowing a hysterectomy, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks when I woke up and my womb was gone.
My dad was the one who told me the news, and then he instantly reminded me of all God’s promises to me. “God will still fulfill those promises!” he said, “Think of Abraham and Sarah. God will fulfill His promises.”
Jacob and I have cried together many times for all we have lost, but we stand together believing that God will fulfill His promises. I still have my ovaries, we can still have biological children together through a surrogate. Both our sisters and another dear friend have already volunteered. We could also adopt children, which is something we had in the back of our minds already anyway. There are options.
But our dearest prayer is for the restoration of my womb. Those promises certainly could be figurative... but I want to believe that they were literal. Literally my womb. Because we serve the God of the impossible, the God of resurrection power, the God who could grow a new uterus in my body as easily as He raised Lazarus from the dead.
Pray also for my heart, as I grieve my son who has not been raised from the dead. I don’t get to watch him grow up, I don’t get to take him on all the adventures I dreamed of. But he lived a very full life for the time he was here for, and his memory will always be a treasure to me. I’m not ready for another child at this time, all my heart is so wrapped up in my precious baby boy who passed away too soon.
But the Lord is beginning to touch my heart and prepare me to love more children. The day will come when I can be Mommy to a new baby. Jacob and I are starting to research and learn more about surrogacy. Perhaps we will have little ones both from the wombs of others and my restored womb as well. We miss being parents.
We are so grateful for all of you who have been upholding us in prayer for so long! Please continue to pray for Jacob and I as we grieve, and please join us in the prayer that my womb be restored.
Thank you also sooo much for your generous donations! We never expected any of this and we are blown away. It is so amazing to not have to worry about finances in a time like this.
One way or another, the Lord has promised us children, and so I believe I will one day be the homeschool mom I’ve dreamed of for so many years. Jesus has come so that we may have abundant life. Righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. A full life, rich and full childhood. Education and play, creativity and delight. God is good, and the future lies before us yet to be discovered.
Uriel Always Loved. Always Remembered.
